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ADOPTEES WHO REJECT “birth” mothers

I’ve talked to a number of adult adoptees about my failed reunion, being rejected by my son who protects his narcissistic adoptive mother from accountability to me for lying to and manipulating me for decades.

Many adoptees have told me to not “lose hope”, saying my son may “come around” in time.

They have said it takes an adoptee a long time to “forgive” their mothers their mistake and undo their brainwashing.

Here’s the rub.

Adoptees have a hard time “forgiving” their mothers for making the decision to place them for adoption when they were in crisis.

Mothers were also brainwashed in to the current cultural narrative, misplaced their trust in their own parents, priests, adoption agencies, and narcissistic adopters.

Mothers have only a *few months* to make a life-altering decision for both of them under intense coercion and pressure.

If we mothers held adoptees to the same standards to which they hold their mothers, they should have exactly 9 months to make their own decision, and it should be a permanent decision, no going back.

Mothers are forced, by adopters, to live with the consequences of their “choice”, life-long.

There is no going back, no do-overs.  We are locked out and our “choices” are denied us.

Most of us would have taken as much involvement as we could, even would have resumed care if “allowed”.

We didn’t “abandon”, but rather, were *locked out* by narcissistic adopters. 

If an adoptee makes a decision to dump their mother, if we hold them to the same standards to which they and their adopters hold us, there is also no going back, no do-overs.

If mothers did to adoptees what their adopters and adoptees did to us, they ought not be “allowed” a second chance.  They made a choice and they should be forced to live with the fallout, for life.

They ought not be forgiven or given second, third, and fourth chances.  

We were not given any chances by adopters.  They won our signature, that’s too bad for us.  We ought to suck it up and suffer lifelong. 

They should not be given time to do their research, to process, and to change their views and their minds.

They made a decision and they can live with the consequences, just as they forced us to.

Adoptees hold themselves to very different standards than to which they hold their mothers.

Adopters are forgiven for *decades* of lies and manipulations, are protected by adoptees from their consequences.

If justice was truly served, adoptees should lose their entitlements.

Our children should fully return to us.  That is true justice.  Adopters should be forced to live with the consequences of their own bad decisions.  They stole our kids.  

Why should they be forgiven?  

They are unrepentant and unwilling to make a full amends.

They stole a million dollars from us.  They owe us a million dollars, in addition to pain and suffering.  

Adopters stole 20 million dollars from adoptees in taking their natural families from them.

They owe adoptees a full restoration of their birthright.

If justice was served, adoptees would fully reincorporate themselves in to their natural families, stolen from them by adopters.  

That’s true justice.  

Adoptees feel that they should have all the time in the world to process and make their own choices, and that they ought always be welcomed back if they ever change their minds and want to come around.  

But they don’t forgive us a mistake made decades prior.  

They defend their adopters for making the continuous choice to force them and their mothers to live with their decision, no going back, no do overs.

Narcissistic adopters and adoptees feel they can punish their mother for a decision she made, in crisis, under coercion (from adopters), while brainwashed, under intense pressure.

However, mothers aren’t “allowed” to punish adopters and adoptees for *decades* of bad decisions.

Narcissistic adoptees always scapegoat their mothers for their *adopter’s* bad choices.  It’s her fault they lost their families and are in pain, right? 

That’s not true.  In most cases it’s fully the fault of their adopters.  Adopters stole their families from them.  

They hold their mothers to different standards than to which they hold their adopters, and even themselves.

They feel entitled to “punish” their mothers for “abandonment”, even if her “abandonment” was orchestrated by adopters.

Mothers aren’t supposed to ever get angry at adopters and adoptees for *their* bad decisions.  We are expected to always be patient, empathic, and humble.  

I’ve told people that my son has made his decision.

He had 3 years to make a life-altering decision that I had 9 months to make.  

If I hold him to the same standards to which he holds me, he should suffer the consequences for his choice the rest of his life, as he and his adopters forced me to live with my choice.

Seems only fair, right?

Why are mothers held to higher standards than narcissistic adopters and adoptees?

It’s because they are narcissists.

Narcissists hold others to higher standards than to which they hold themselves.

They demand empathy, patience and forgiveness from their mothers, but do not *give* empathy, patience and forgiveness.

They believe others should suffer for their mistakes, be held accountable.

But they don’t want to suffer for *their*  own mistakes, be held accountable.

Mothers are alway expected to be the “bigger person”, take any crap that the narcissistic adopters and adoptees fling at them without defending themselves.  

Why don’t we hold them to the same standards to which they hold us?

They make us beg and grovel for their forgiveness, and to be a part of their lives, like we are garbage.

Why don’t we make them beg and grovel for our forgiveness, beg to be a part of our lives? 

Maybe then they’ll learn empathy for how horribly they treat us for a mistake made decades past, one that they feel we should suffer for, for life.  

They are ruled by their pride and sense of entitlement and superiority.  

They hold us to much higher standards than to which they hold themselves.

The narcissistic adoptive family can treat mothers like absolute dirt and we must take it upon condition of “forgiveness”.

We often have to take the fall for not only our own mistakes, but for the mistakes of narcissistic adopters.

We are scapegoated for their sins in addition to our own.  

As if we have no intrinsic value and nothing to offer them and our kids.

But they are so very valuable, and we must beg and grovel to be a part of their lives.

If they are magnanimous they’ll forgive *us*, and grace us with their glorious presence.

They devalue us.

Why not devalue them and force them to pay the consequences for their own bad choices? 

It’s only just.  

Let them beg and grovel to be a part of our lives, and withhold forgiveness, just as they do to us.  

That’s what they expect of us.  Why not do the same things to them?

They overvalue themselves, devalue us, have zero humility and an inflated sense of entitlement.  

Maybe we ought to teach them humility and empathy by doing the same thing to them they did to us.  

We should allow them their natural consequences for their mistakes as they forced us to live with our consequences.  

Maybe then these narcissists will learn humility and empathy.  

They do not do unto others as they’d like done to them.  

They don’t give what they demand and take from us.  

My days of begging and groveling for the narcissistic adoptive family’s forgiveness and to be a part of their lives is over.  

I’m worth a whole lot more than that.

They aren’t worth it to me after the horrific ways they treated me through the years.  

Alls I’ve gotten from them in return for my suffering for their entitlements is insult and added injury.

They landed me in the hospital in suicide watch.

Why ought I forgive people who aren’t the least bit “sorry”, who nearly killed me for their entitlements?

Why ought I forgive my son for nearly killing me to protect his narcissistic adoptive mother from accountability to me?  

I will not forgive them or him.  

I won’t forgive them until they show true remorse and repentance, make *full amends* for harm done.

I won’t forgive my son for what he did to me either, unless *he* repents and makes full amends.  

He is an adult now and is responsible for his own choices.  

His and their sense of entitlement, arrogance and cruelty is astounding.  

Who do they think they are, truly? 

Regardless of what they think they are, what they *actually* are is malignant narcissists, who apply completely different standards to others than which they hold themselves.  

They think very highly of themselves.  

Perhaps it’s time for them to learn to serve others as they demand others serve them.  

They took from us but gave nothing in return.  They feel entitled.  

They aren’t entitled to jack squat.  

Allow them their consequences.

Maybe these will teach humility and empathy, something malignant narcissists sorely lack.